So...you're a graphic designer, right?

I hate this question more than any other question, especially when it's being posed to me by a friend of a friend. Invariably, what follows is an inane question about some sort of fine art that I know next to nothing about (glassblowing perhaps), or else, and this is usually the case, a very very SHITTY "job offer" disguised as a favor to me.

"You mean, you'll let ME do your logo for you? For $20? No, I couldn't accept that much for such an amazing opportunity. How about we make it 15....Pesos."

"Oh, you have a crappy idea for some t-shirts you'd like to do, and you just need 5 different ideas drawn up? And you thought of me? Yeah, ideas are totally free! And so is executing these ideas! I mean, they're just t shirts right? Of course I'll do it in my spare time....tonight....by 5:30 EST. I'm honored that you would let me in on this project that you're getting paid for and let me work for nothing."

"A website for you? Sure! We've known each other about a month. Programming other people's stupid black and white photographs into a portfolio site for $1 an hour is what I was put on this planet for. "

Just because we happen to like our jobs-unlike you stuck at your cubicle or your awful 9-5 accounting job-DOES NOT MEAN WE WORK FOR NOTHING. For all of you out there who think that graphic designers should be happy to be your bitches, I have something completely fucking free for you: unwanted advice.

If you want to pay nothing, you will get shit. Hire a blind monkey (I hear they're cheap!), or get one of those logo-generating websites to do your job for you. Immigrants. Sweat shops. Babies. Senior citizens. You have endless possibilities for your stinginess.

Stop trying to take advantage of artists. You waste my time, and heaven knows I need every minute to finish up that free web template I'm doing for my friend's uncle's son.

Absolute Perfection

Well, I happened to find myself at a yachting party last weekend. And I wondered, what's with all these drunk dudes dressed like sea captains and ambiguously gay sailors? Then my pal Mickey introduced me to the best thing on youtube.

Yacht Rock

Onesie Lies....what's your damage, American Apparel????

It's a free country. I can do whatever I want.

Can't I???? We are in America, right? Because last time I checked, my rights were being infringed upon.

By American Apparel.
HOW CAN YOU ADVERTISE ONESIEs ALL OVER YOUR FREAKIN WEBSITE, AND NOT HAVE ANY IN THE ACTUAL STORES????

Hello, McFly. Do I live in LA? Or has this all been a dream and I'm actually in Wisconsin?

This interesting onesie dilemma was brought up to me by Suzanne. Who suggested that perhaps everyone in Los Angeles should be wearing onesies regularly, on a daily basis. Isn't that the point of SoCal? To be tan and scantily clad?

That's what I thought. Then I tried to actually go into a physical AA store this weekend (tried 3 different ones...Hollywood and the west side). Foiled.

Lies. False promises. Everyone should be able to get a one piece velour tube top jumper, with no hassle. What kind of plastic sunny world do we live in here. For real.

Strange Narnia Woman finds Supersized Hand in Local Art School Yard...Asks 'Can I Keep It?'

Anyhow she looks happy. Just let her keep the hand.

Hope You Don't Mind If I Pay You in Change

After going on brief hiatus to tend to my chinchilla farm and teach hangliding lessons to orphans, I am returning to the blog world. Wait for it....wait for it...."ping!"

SUPERDELUXE NEWS: Mickey and I got a studio to work in. Starting next Tuesday. Check back for more info. Name to come.

Quote of the week: "Big game. Real big game."

Temp: 80 degrees and sunny--hot hot hot

$64 Million Question: When does a memoir become fiction? And where is my mojito?