So...you're a graphic designer, right?

I hate this question more than any other question, especially when it's being posed to me by a friend of a friend. Invariably, what follows is an inane question about some sort of fine art that I know next to nothing about (glassblowing perhaps), or else, and this is usually the case, a very very SHITTY "job offer" disguised as a favor to me.

"You mean, you'll let ME do your logo for you? For $20? No, I couldn't accept that much for such an amazing opportunity. How about we make it 15....Pesos."

"Oh, you have a crappy idea for some t-shirts you'd like to do, and you just need 5 different ideas drawn up? And you thought of me? Yeah, ideas are totally free! And so is executing these ideas! I mean, they're just t shirts right? Of course I'll do it in my spare time....tonight....by 5:30 EST. I'm honored that you would let me in on this project that you're getting paid for and let me work for nothing."

"A website for you? Sure! We've known each other about a month. Programming other people's stupid black and white photographs into a portfolio site for $1 an hour is what I was put on this planet for. "

Just because we happen to like our jobs-unlike you stuck at your cubicle or your awful 9-5 accounting job-DOES NOT MEAN WE WORK FOR NOTHING. For all of you out there who think that graphic designers should be happy to be your bitches, I have something completely fucking free for you: unwanted advice.

If you want to pay nothing, you will get shit. Hire a blind monkey (I hear they're cheap!), or get one of those logo-generating websites to do your job for you. Immigrants. Sweat shops. Babies. Senior citizens. You have endless possibilities for your stinginess.

Stop trying to take advantage of artists. You waste my time, and heaven knows I need every minute to finish up that free web template I'm doing for my friend's uncle's son.